


Holy Lover

by rubyboys



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Not Canon Compliant, anymore, i'm not mad though, i've been JOSSED by s5, sad lesbians basically, someone give birdmom a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 21:05:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12779490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyboys/pseuds/rubyboys
Summary: When they’d first met back on Homeworld, and Pearl was assigned to serve the great Rose Quartz, Pearl was so meek.A Pearl!centric ficlet on grief and lost love.





	Holy Lover

In the end, it's Steven, and it’s not Rose. 

In the end, it doesn't even matter. 

~ 

It's the first winter she's had without her. 

The Quartz baby is still small, and loud, and obnoxiously existent. Pearl doesn't spend any time with it. It's Greg's, anyway, now, and Garnet visits it sometimes, so it's not as though the baby is totally cut off from understanding what it is to be a Gem. Just cut off from Pearl. Because Pearl is busy, lately. 

‘Understanding what it is to be a Gem.’ Ha. 

Because, as they keep telling her, this baby is part-human. It does not have all of its knowledge from birth. It is designed to grow, and change, and learn. Rose loved that about humans. Now, she is one. Totally brainless, with real, fragile flesh, and big, stupid eyes. And a stolen gem. 

Pearl doesn't spend any time with it. It's not the longest she's gone without having seen Rose, not by a long shot, but Rose's absence still irks, itches under Pearl's skin. Because it doesn’t seem as though Rose wants to come back this time. 

No, it doesn’t seem that way at all. 

~ 

Objectively, Pearl recognises that war itself is a horrific thing. It forces the ugliest of demons to rear their faces--death, fear, mania. Pearl understands entirely that the war brought about millions of unnecessary and cruel deaths. Of course she understands. She was there. She has seen it with her own eyes, seen so many gems crack and dissipate. 

But then again, wasn’t it so fantastic? To be standing at Rose’s side, unflinching amongst bursts of thick ashy cloud, and sprays of debris and shattered gemstones. Not hand in hand, but they didn’t need to be. 

Rose led her warriors to fight with bravery and boldness, and Pearl was the bravest. So many died, but Pearl fought cleverly. Rose always told her that. 

She almost died. But Rose saved her. She’d bent back forlornly over a vast gorge of absolutely nothing and fell far, and accepted shattering, content as long as Rose was safe. Until, trembling, she noticed that she was floating. Rose Quartz had bubbled her, brought her close, and cried over Pearl’s near death until Pearl was well enough to kiss each of those tears away. 

~ 

When they’d first met back on Homeworld, and Pearl was assigned to serve the great Rose Quartz, Pearl was so meek. Head bowed, eyes down, feet unsplayed, hands clasped. “Whatever you wish, Great Quartz,” she would say, soft. She was good at keeping her voice calm and polite. Not so much at keeping her form neat and orderly. So many times, she was told that she was the clumsiest of this generation of Pearls. That she could simper as much as she liked, but at her very core, she was faulty. Pearls should be obedient. This Pearl was practically a savage. 

And then Rose--not “Great Quartz” but Rose, she asked Pearl to call her, Rose--she took Pearl’s hands in hers, engulfed her small palms in her own and she chuckled. She was not angry, never with Pearl. And she called her “wonderful.” She said, “You’re not broken. You’re just strong. Stronger than so many of them. You are brave enough to be yourself,” and she laughed again, and touched Pearl’s cheek and said, “My, my. How extraordinary you are to exist in this cruel world. How brave.” 

Pearl had never seen it that way, any of it. But she had her hands in Rose’s and she would do anything to keep it that way. 

~ 

It's winter again. 

Years pass the same way back on Homeworld, but Homeworld doesn't have seasons the same way--it doesn't hang bizarrely in a tilt the way this strange planet does, so the cold doesn't travel. On Earth, though, it's not an option. The cold always comes back. 

And Pearl has been here long enough that the seasons are familiar, and sometimes nice, as odd as they are. Still, though. Winter startles her each year. It's cold, and unpleasant, and Pearl doesn't like slipping over or hail or nasty gray skies. And it's the fourteenth winter since Rose left. 

She should be used to it by now. She's not. 

“I miss her,” she says. 

She doesn’t want to cry. Not on Earth, not in front of the others, on this dumb balcony, and certainly not in front of Steven. But maybe it’s worse if she doesn’t. Greg called her “cold” once. Unfeeling, he meant. And he was wrong, and he apologised, but he didn’t get it, really. Pearl feels so much. And since Rose… Since then, all of those feelings have tucked themselves away, somewhere deep down. Neatly.

Garnet looks out at the sea, and shakes her head slightly. She is so lucky. To be herself. Pearl hates her for it sometimes. What she would give to be Rainbow Quartz. 

But this is all that anger coming back. So much anger. Pearl is so angry. 

She heaves a breath and it’s more cracked than she expected. With it, her fingers grip tightly against the railing and her head falls. Her breathing shakes, shudders, and her eyes are hot. She’s crying. She doesn’t want to be, but she is. 

“I miss her,” she tries, and the words spill out in bits and pieces, caked in breath. “So much. Oh my god.” 

And then Garnet’s arms are around her, and her chin is atop of Pearl’s bowed head. Pearl grips at Garnet, closing her eyes. The crying doesn’t stop, but Garnet is more patient than Pearl is. She just holds her. 

“I know it’s horrible,” Garnet says. “I know it feels like you’ve been ripped apart. Because you have been. Because you loved her, and she’s gone now. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel that hurt. You’ve got to feel all of it. Because she’s not coming back. But you are. You will come back from this. You will keep going on. You are every bit of the Gem that she knew you were, and that’s a Gem who is brave, and capable of getting through anything that is thrown her way. Even this.” 

Pearl breathes until the breaths come slower and her throat aches. It’s not pleasant, but it’s a side effect of feeling all of these tangled feelings, and she can accept that. It doesn't make her want to give up her physical form and retreat again. 

She pulls away when she’s calm, and leans back at the railing. Her head is thrown back, eyes large, watching the small earth clouds roll by. On Homeworld, they spit acid that left burns on exposed skin. Here, simple water. This small planet is so harmless. But Rose taught her long ago that harmless doesn’t mean worthless. Steven continues to teach her that. 

“Thank you, Garnet,” she says, and sighs. “You are a friend to me. Truly.” A small grey cloud finds its way blindly into a large mass of white clouds, and disappears. She’s watching them, tired-eyed, and only hears Garnet chuckle. 

“I’m glad to be,” Garnet says. 

~ 

“Lie with me, here.” Rose moved aside slightly, as if there weren’t plenty of ground all around them for Pearl to lie upon. Pearl came to her knees and then her rear, sitting nervously with her hands squeezing her shins. 

“I must admit, I feel as though any moment an Agate could come along and, and arrest us both.” 

Rose chuckled warmly. She is so content to just be. “We are alone.” 

What a beautiful sentiment. We, Pearl thought. She looked down at Rose for once, sitting, while Rose lay there, head propped up by her hand, smiling relaxedly up at Pearl. 

“And if they do come?” Pearl asked, and felt almost irritated at herself. Not because she mustn’t question Quartzes, but… Rose was so calm. So safe. Pearl was so foolish to doubt her. But she was also scared. 

Rose seemed to notice this. Her hand came to Pearl’s leg and settled there, heavy and calming. It was divine to be here. 

“Then I tell them I am surveying the area. And I brought my Pearl with me. And,” and she paused, and smiled with a little more freedom, sweet and salacious. It lit up Pearl’s insides with excitement. “Then I’ll add that my Pearl and I are being very wicked indeed. And that Pearl is at my side and, I hope, will be, for a long time. Because she is brave, and clever. She shines so brightly. She is very, very beautiful.” 

Pearl tensed all over. “Oh,” she murmured, wide-eyed. “Oh, Rose,” and the words were breathy, nervous. “You’re beautiful,” she whispered. Her mouth was open, uncertain. Too many words to pick from. And Rose was like no Gem Pearl has ever met before. Like no Gem Pearl had ever served. 

And because Pearl was so hasty, and terrible, she always ruined things. She touched Rose on the cheek and whispered, “I would like to leave this planet. With you, Rose. Let’s go far away.” 

Rose cast her eyes down, away from Pearl, and Pearl’s heart sank. She pulled her hand away fearfully. She’d gone too far, now. Said something wrong. Stupid Pearl, foolish Pearl. 

“Sorry, I--ignore me.” 

“No, no, Pearl, I…” Rose sat up. She is so tall, and she mimics Pearl’s position, her hands upon her knees. She glanced up thoughtfully, and shook her head. “It’s a nice thought, Pearl. I would like that too. But you must understand,” and she moved. 

She knelt before Pearl, as if Pearl was someone worthy of that, and looked into her eyes with such fierce intensity that Pearl’s cheeks went hot. Pearl swallowed and listened. 

“There’s a revolution coming. Don’t--don’t look so scared, I. I knew this would trouble you. But it’s true. The Diamonds are going too far. The Quartzes are making plans. We want to fight back. We can’t live like this anymore. We won’t. And we won’t let them inflict this tyranny on all those good, harmless planets out there. Those planets are filled with people, Pearl, good people. The Diamonds want you, want everyone, to think of them as conquests, but they’re not, they’re real, living people, like you and me. They feel things. I don’t want any of them to feel scared. I want them safe. And I will strive to protect them, I will. No matter what happens. I’ve been wanting to tell you all this. It’s time for you to make a decision. Of course I’ll tell you anything you want to know, but I need to know, first, my dear. Do you stand with me? Do you stand with me, Pearl?” 

~ 

They end up fighting, because Pearl always ruins things. Garnet stands back, and Steven’s crying, and Lion is staring intently, and Amethyst is small and angry, stomping her feet. She’s never liked when Pearl idealises Rose. Pearl suspects that she prefers Steven. 

“She didn’t throw out your original purpose, Pearl, she just gave you a new one!” Amethyst shouts. 

Pearl begins--and stops. 

Oh. 

Amethyst’s right. 

With her hand clasped to her mouth, she steps back. One step, and then another, and another. Amethyst isn’t moving; she looks shocked, the way she does when she knows she’s gone too far--but it feels like her words are still advancing upon Pearl, rising up and burning in her ears. Her back hits the wall, and she stays there, under the hot shadow cast by the things Amethyst has said. 

Usually Amethyst stumbles over an apology at this point, but she doesn’t say anything. 

Well. You can’t apologise for telling the truth. 

~ 

In the morning, the sky is a wash of buttery pink, and the sea below looks deep blue, quiet and flat. Pearl stands on the balcony, leaning against the railing. She feels as though she’s always here, coping, waiting for something to happen. Today, she’ll just try not doing anything. She is just being. 

It’s odd, to let go of one’s purpose. To just allow oneself to exist. 

It’s nice. 

“Pearl?” 

Amethyst’s voice comes from behind her, unsurely. 

“Yes?” Pearl asks, and turns. Amethyst meets expectation--head bowed and face obscured by hair, cheeks and eyes bright with tears. Her posture is small and closed in on herself; she twiddles her fingers together nervously, and takes uncertain steps back and forth in the doorway. She is so sweet. 

Pearl knows Amethyst will apologise, probably with some elaborate explanation in which Pearl is a saint and Amethyst an abomination. Pearl doesn’t know how she can respond to it, when it comes. How she can say no, you’re right without upsetting Amethyst more, or how she can say it’s okay, thank you, without perpetuating her own stupid notion that she’s a “free Pearl”. 

There are no free Pearls. Pearl belonged to Homeworld, to Rose Quartz, and now to Rose’s cause. She’s always had a purpose, given to her by someone else. That’s just what she is. 

Inwardly, something begins to tighten and twist. She can’t tell what. She might be angry, or about to cry again. It’s a thick blooming of feeling, tangled and thorny and impossible to see clearly. It presses urgently against Pearl’s chest and belly and head, arresting her from within so that she stays still. 

She owes Amethyst the time Amethyst needs to free herself of guilt. 

She gives it to her. All the while, her mind is elsewhere. 

~ 

After one of the very first battles, Rose was away for half a year, rebuilding inside of her gem. It was six months that Pearl spent angry, making messy plans and recruiting reckless Gems. She sat, sometimes, gripping her shins and just staring at Rose's gem, just waiting. She was so angry at Rose for having left her. She kept Rose in her pocket, and held her tight, sweaty and white-knuckled. 

At this time, Pearl had known her for less than ten years--there was hardly any time between the moment Pearl had been assigned to serve her, and when Rose pulled Pearl away from Gem society. At this time, Pearl had known Rose for only a fraction of her life, but it was as if it was her life. As though, meeting Rose was the spark it took to switch Pearl on. Before that, she was just drifting through. 

But Rose was gone. And she would go again. And she would leave Pearl kneeling in her footprints, switched off and empty, and she wouldn't look back. 

Pearl tries to make sense of it all, to map it out, and pinpoint exactly where they went wrong, exactly why everything fell apart. They came to Earth, and they fought Homeworld, and fought among each other, and fought, finally, just to protect the planet itself. 

And then Greg came. Suddenly humans mattered for real reasons, not just because it was what Rose wanted. And then Steven came along, and he started to matter--but only because Rose, herself, wasn't around to matter anymore. It blurs together, the line between Rose and Steven, and where exactly their line intersects with Pearl’s. Time passes normally on Earth, but it feels different. Each winter feels like eons. 

She’ll learn to switch back on again, because she has to. Rose would want her to. 

And who knows? Maybe Rose will come back, one day.


End file.
